We all know water is vital. We’re supposed to drink 8 glasses of water a day. Adequate water consumption helps fight fatigue, dry mouth, bad breath, muscle aches, headaches, dizziness, chapped lips, dry skin and list goes on. But drinking plain old water can get boring, aside from the fact it’s tasteless, colorless and unappealing. Why not make your water pretty? Grab a clear pitcher, fill it with drinking water, grab a cucumber and slice it, throw the cucumber slices in the pitcher with the water and viola! Spa water.
Just be sure to let the spa water chill overnight, and when your done drinking your pretty water, you can either eat the cucumbers or use them on your eyes. Sounds silly? If it is silly, then it’s a great way to have fun with your food!
If you’ve recently escaped that horrible chapter in your life, congratulations! You’ve done what many are still struggling with and it’s commendable, and brave. While others may say that you’re free, so go and find someone better etc. you may not be ready to move on just yet. Crazy right? After all that you’ve been through, why would you think for even a moment about it. We’ll it’s because we’re human, we’re emotional beings with the ability to apply logic to our actions. Leaving a relationship, especially if you’ve really invested your time and energy to make it work, can feel like one of the hardest things to recover from. Because of our feelings towards that person, sometimes the emotional and mental effects from experiencing abuse can linger on. According to the National Domestic Violence Hotline, those that are recovering from an abusive relationship may experience any combination of feelings such as:
PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder)
Easily frightened or scared
Difficulty engaging in future relationships
Feeling emotionally numb towards others
While it’s not as simple, the first step toward recovering from any type of traumatic experience is by reconnecting your sense of safety and security. This begins by establishing stability in your life. It’s true that the concept of stability varies for different people, and it really starts by setting a daily routine such as going from home to a steady job towards gaining your independence back.
Next, allow yourself the chance to grieve. It’s within your right to feel sad or angry for a while. Create outlets that gives you an opportunity to do so. Activities such as writing, painting, exercising, meditation, and dance are a few good examples. By letting it out through positive outlets can also act as a way to give you back the power to own your life again.
Last but certainly not least, reconnect with a support group that understands you and what you’ve been through. Maybe that’s friends or family, and maybe it’s other’s that helped you in your journey. It’s fair to say that It can be pretty difficult to remember what life was like before an abusive relationship. In addition, you may feel emotionally disconnected for a while, and it may be a challenge to trust people again. Take it one step at a time. Talk to those that gave you comfort and strength. The world is filled with wonderful people that do care for one another.
If your reading this article, chances are you’ve probably wondered one of two things. 1, who would in their right state of mind want to stay in an abusive relationship. Or 2, you either have been, currently are or know of someone who’s dealing with this problem. According to CDC, on average 20 people suffer every minute from physical abuse from their significant other. Through their study of 571 people in relationships, men suffer as much as women when dealing with emotional abuse from their partner. This means that each year, over 10 million Americans are victims to psychological and physical abuse from people that they believe should love and trust the most. Intimate partner abuse is a complex issue that definitely goes beyond the boundaries of age, race, and gender and can go unrecognized or unreported for many years or longer. Below is a list of statements that those in an abusive relationship may say to themselves:
I have a child with this person, I don’t have the choice to leave.
No one will love me after this.
No one else will take care of me like they do
My child has grown attached to this person
It’s my first real/serious relationship
They’ve helped me financially and I owe it that person to stay
I thought I can turn things around
I still love that person regardless
I’m doing it for our child/children
I want to be loved, and the abuse only happened once
It’s because it’s my fault
I saw my parents go through the same thing, so I thought it was ok
Studies show that repeated themes of abused victims involved financial concerns, parental responsibilities, marriage obligation or still be in love with their abuser. As mentioned in our prior article are you in an abusive relationship, it’s difficult to assess the damage when you’re knee deep in the trenches. Sometimes the best thing that can be done is to assess your situation first before acting out in a way that may put you in harm’s way.
Remember when you first learned about magnets? Someone showed you than when you put two of the opposite charges or sides of a magnet, they’ll attract. In its basic form, this concept applies to everything that has two opposing factors. One example that comes to mind is the north and south pole’s electromagnetic polarity. But let’s hold off on the science of magnetism part for another day. Let’s get back to how that applies to dating and relationships today.
Unless you’ve lived under a rock for the last few decades, it’s likely that you’ve either been or currently in a relationship with someone that may seem like your complete opposite. According to Hudson and Fraley, what we seek from others to fulfill the role of our partner, stems from our needs of support during the infancy stages of our lives. Individuals who experience consistent love early in their childhood develops a secure attachment vs. those who receive harsh and/or inconsistent love early in their childhood may develop insecure attachment. Therefore, if our dependency for others is directly correlated to how we view our needs when we we’re kids, how does that apply to whom we choose to be our partners as an adult? In her blog, Dr. Vinita Mehta explains that our dependency for others in a relationship should not be based on the how we look for those with personality to ourselves. Instead it should be based on being in a relationship where you can complement each other’s personality, as well as understand the differences. In other words, by being with a person that’s somewhat or completely opposite of your characteristics and nature, you can both address each other’s weaknesses by the other’s strength. This opposite attraction creates the harmony and balance that help us grow and evolve to better ourselves, and those we love and care for.
At some point in your relationship, there will come a time when the initial concept of dating will transform into something more meaningful for you and your partner. Between that time, you’ll have a deep conversation about the importance of learning to grow together. But what does that mean really? According to Psychology Today growing together means having a partner to help support and uplift one another during difficult challenges in your journey together. In addition, growing with partner offers benefits to your mental and physical well-being that would otherwise be more difficult on your own.
Some of the benefits to your mentally include:
Stability & Security when dealing with the uncertainty that life offers
Constant Support that helps motivate you to be better by seeing it through your partner’s perspective
Physical representation of someone by your corner acts as a deterrent to fear and provides you with a piece of mind that you’re not alone
Some of the physical benefits include:
Reduces of passing or carrying a sexually transmitted disease
More likely stay healthy for the sake of each other
Stress reduction based on activities you enjoy together such as sex, exercises, and any other physical activities
Growing together offers you and your partner the chance to live your life with someone you that understands you, your dreams, and your goals. It’s something that we all hope to have, and should be something we cherish and hold dear in our hearts.
Growing up in the 90’s, I’ve seen jealousy as a negative instead of a positive. Of course, it didn’t help that many of the popular TV series shows we’re really dramatic when a couple deals with what I use to call a “relationship poacher” or couple thief” whose primary purpose was to disrupt a normal couple by making physical or emotional moves to create an opportunity to steal your or your partner out of the current relationship. Watching that, and then allowing my overly high teenager emotions to kick into overdrive didn’t help me at all. It didn’t help me in identifying the needs of my partner, or the danger that I’ve put the relationship in by being ignorant to that threat.
However fast forward to the present, I no longer look at jealousy the same way. Part of it was growing up. After leaving high school, I’ve experienced dating and relationships in a whole new light. Through trial and error, I’ve come to understand that in order to really appreciate the conceptual value of a relationship, jealousy is a component towards self-worth. Supporting studies state that factors such sexual infidelity and emotional infidelity drives men and women to imagine the worst-case scenario based on his past history of relationships. A good way to approach jealousy is to discuss the driving factors so the pain or frustrations of it can be remedied or avoided. The words trust and respect should not be taken lightly when applied towards you and your partner’s ability to face situations that may test each other’s self-worth. Having an open line of communication helps clear the air on misunderstandings and threats that could hurt feelings and pride. Jealousy should not be based solely on the negatives. It can be good way to understand your value for and from your partner when applied with respect towards one another.
We’ve recently spoke w/ a couple regarding their challenge in intimacy. They’ve been struggling to understand each other causing the male of the relationship to shut down and disconnect, and the woman feeling like she’s not being heard at all. According to a Neil Strauss’ interview with Bustle, 70 percent of relationships starts to falter after the initial projection period of the relationship. This revelation occurs when the initial fantasy provided by being with you partner turns into a harsh reality of unmet expectations. When we’re at this stage of the relationship, one of two things occur.
1. We assume that the root of the problem at first is us.
2. We place blame on our partner for not living up to the expectations we had of them.
There are plenty of other articles in the internet that further elaborates on each one, as well as why we feel that way. But here’s something to think about. Have you ever thought about the financial consequences when deciding to stay in an unfulfilled relationship? You’ve probably considered these as emotional consequences, but in actuality, it affects much more than that. Below are some examples of the financial impact:
You constantly buy things in the internet to pacify yourself.
One of the couples we were working with mentioned that early in their relationship, they struggled with communication. The husband worked 2 jobs and was always tired. He would sleep when he’s not working and had a difficult time talking to his wife about anything that doesn’t involve his stress at work. His wife was raising their 2 kids while doing all the chores, cooked and takes their kids to their afternoon activities. Because she’s not getting any support from her husband, she is often stressed to the point of just not caring. She loves her husband, but anytime she brings something that bothers her, they argue which leaves her feeling worse. So, she shops and shops for things to make her feel better. On average, the purchases we’re only $5-$30 per. But looking at it long term, she spends about $3,000 a year for the last 5 years. This puts a dent into their finances because it lessens the available money.
Spending too much money on your hobby.
For this example, we’ll use the name Jane and Joe. Joe has been with his spouse Jane for 8 years. Every night he comes home stressed from his job. To unwind, Joe eats and goes straight to the game room to play call of duty with his friends. Jane hates that, she feels that he doesn’t pay any attention to her, which causes her to constantly picks fights to get his attention. On top of that, they haven’t gone on a vacation for 2 years since they don’t make enough money to travel. Jane sees it as a never-ending expensive hobby. Joe sees it as a time for him to relax, however he ignores the fact that it’s contributor to the problem. So far, Joe has spent over $1000 a year on new games, and online gaming purchases.
Over indulge in food and or alcohol.
At some point in our adult life, you may have been in a rough relationship. At first everything is fine, however after a year or so, you start arguing with your partner over things like trust, and honesty about each other’s past relations. These are usually the biggest reasons why couples fight or argue aside from money. You argue to the point that you may be yelling and it usually ends with you stressed out. According to Shahram Heshmat at Psychology Today, stress is a psychological symptom that motivates the value to consumption of alcohol as a temporary relief. Research also states that the same can be said about junk food in replacement of alcohol when associated with stress. The average American spends $232 a month on junk food. Add that to the average of 3 drinks a day, five days a week at around $10 a pack, comes up to $650 a month as mentioned in an article by Ann Brenoff. That’s $10,584 a year to stay in a relationship that does not make you feel healthy or happy.
In the modern age of dating, one thing that’s constant is our need to be acknowledged for our efforts. Because we’re so deep in the muddy waters of the emotional stress, we may not see or even associate the financial burden of feeling unfulfilled, unheard or disconnected. This result in unknowingly carrying additional baggage of unwanted pressure as icing on the cake of an unfulfilled relationship.